A Night To Bare All

“It’s nice to meet you.” I said shaking her hand

“Ryan has told me so much about you, it’s nice to finally put a face to the  amazing Lauren he goes on and on about.” She said as she used her perfectly manicured hand to toss her perfectly curled hair back.

“I’m glad you two seem to like each other..” Ryan inserted happily

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, it’s barely been a minute.” I blurted, I instantly felt guilty as Ryan bore a stare into me, “Let’s go in and have dinner, shall we?”  I said gesturing to the restaurant behind us.

 I dragged my feet sluggishly, letting them lead the way, it was always the same routine. Ryan would introduce me to his new girlfriend and I was meant to give an honest opinion on her, not that my opinion mattered anyway because he always dated them after I exaggerated their flaws. But most times, I just wanted him to be happy and I gave my go ahead in the end. 
Ryan was a wonderful person, he was sexy yet cute, he spoke up but was never in your face, a gentleman with a bad boy’s touch, firm but not forceful, loving not clingy, he possessed a low slung sense of humor and a laid back self confidence. He was literally perfect. Every girls dream.  And he was my best friend.

One thing about Ryan, I thought as the waiter waited for my order, “I’ll have what they’re having.” I smiled and went back to thoughts. One thing about Ryan was that he was all about commitment but only to “the one”. He believed that there was one person out there for everyone, and he was determined to find his. The one that would be there for him and the kids, the one that would never leave like his parents did, the one that would see he was a good person, the one that he could finally commit to. And he got believing me in that nonsense too, good thing was I already found mine.

“…..I don’t know what happened next,  all I know is that I woke up in Vegas: no credit card, no shoes, and a cheap wig on” Mandy said…I think that was her name. I couldn’t remember if it was Mandy, or Marcy, or Miley, or maybe Molly, (despite the fact Ryan won’t stop talking about her) who cares, she’ll be gone in about a month.

“It sounds to me that you’ve seen ‘the hangover’ one too many times.” I said.

“Excuse me…” she said in her hinted British accent.

“Oh, you haven’t seen it? It’s a good movie.” I said taking a sip from my glass of white wine…when I had ordered that? When did it even arrive? Had I been that lost in thought?

“You’re being rude,” he whispered to me “What is wrong with you?” he asked

“You know you’re not really whispering, she can hear you.” I said pointing to Mandy or Marcy.

Okay, now I was just being downright rude and I could tell she was uncomfortable, I bet she really wanted me to like her cause Ryan must have gone on and on about how I’m such a huge part of his life and how my opinion really mattered to him.

I smiled, “I’m sorry, I had shitty day and I’m just taking it out on you guys. Can I get a do over, pretty please?” I said sweetly.

“Of course,” she said “I understand” she patted my hand.

Don’t touch me, I thought as I withdrew my hand from her, I hate you as much as I hate every other girl that has sat opposite me on this stupid “get-to-know” date. I flinched inside as I felt the intense feelings I always kept bottled up rise to the surface as it always did when I was around him. Why couldn’t he see, how couldn’t he tell that I was in love with him? He was my “one”. 
Why did he made sit through these excruciating dinners to decide whether these girls had what I had with him?

I noticed Ryan staring at me, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. What made matters worse was that if I told Ryan how I felt about him and he felt the same way, we would still never be together. He was my other best friend, Jolie’s ex…that’s how I met him. He was the love of her life, when he had broken up with her she had felt so devastated, crushed, used. I thought he was a scum but she urged me not  judge him, she told me he had commitment issues and where they came from, and begged me to be his friend, he had needed one back then, he was somewhat of a loner if I remember correctly, who am I kidding, of course I do.

At first, I refused to but she told me he had no body but she had her music, she was a singer-songwriter and a talented one at that. And she seduced me with words of how I’m an amazing person and how he needed a friend like me. Jolie was a good person like that. As I got to know Ryan, I understood him the way she did…and loved him the way she did.

 Over the years I managed to keep them from each other while spending an equal amount of time with both of them. But whenever Ryan’s name accidentally came up, I could see she was still very much in love with him. How do I tell  my best friend that I am in love with the love of her life, the guy she still secretly wishes would come back to her, my other best friend.

I saw Molly or is it Heather (where did the name 'Heather' come from, I meant Mandy) put her hand on Ryan’s and squeezing his gently. She smiled at him and he smiled back and I wondered if they had shared anything as wonderful as the rainy night Ryan and I had shared in my apartment almost two years ago. We had been talking, drinking, and a little playful stripping, we were just joking around, it wasn’t meant to mean anything. I may have said I had a crush on him in the past and he may have said the same thing, and we might have wondered why neither of us had said anything, and us being amazing friends might have come up. But we definitely had earth shattering sex, the best I ever had…and will never have again.

It was magical in every sense of the word and we had gone all night long. The cuddling and joking and playful teasing in-between was almost as beautiful as the sex itself. I thought that was it, the moment we became a couple, and pretended we weren’t because we did want to hurt Jolie’s feelings. Almost poetic, don’t you agree?

 But by the time I woke up the next morning he was gone, leaving a message on my voice mail, telling me he had gone to see his adopted family and he needed to figure things out, he wanted to define what we had between us, but he hoped we could still be friends when he returned. The agony. He was breaking up with me and we weren’t even a couple. I spent about a month, crying over him and mourning what we never had, I suspected that Jolie had suspected that my spilt tears were over her ex, but I was grateful that she never pursued it. When he returned…three months later, neither of us spoke about that night, or made reference to it. We carried on like nothing had happened [at least he did, I relived that night very moment in my head] we even managed to become closer than we already were.

I deserve a standing ovation for my acting, my going on year in, year out, pretending that I don’t feel what I feel for him, that I don’t love him more than life, pretending I wouldn’t screw Jolie over  if he asked me to. I deserve an Oscar for treating him like an ordinary everyday Joe, just a normal guy friend. Give me a fucking award [any award] for being painfully close to him as much as I am and still keep my cool. Damn you, if I don’t deserve a Golden globe knowing the one I love will never love me back and still remain strong about it. Better yet, give me a doctor that can mend a broken heart.

Now watching him with Miley or Missy or whatever the fuck her stupid name was, I wondered if he ever remembered the night, the night we spent together, if it had meant so much to him, as it did to me. It was clear that he didn’t, I was just another in a long line of one-night-stands.

Sitting here I felt foolish, how could I have been so careless, so clueless….and I let him get off the hook like that. I always thought what we had was too painful for him to let go and he didn’t want to talk about it. That all the girls paraded in front of me was him pretending to be moving on but really wasn't, i thought it was just a charade. Watching him and Michelle, I knew it was no charade, they ‘might’ have something between them, the kind he had with Jolie. I mentally kicked myself over and over again till I had an actual migraine. A stray tear slipped from my right eye, why here?? Why now??

“Are you okay?” Ryan asked concerned…sure, now he was concerned, “You barely touched your food, on second thought you haven’t touched your food.”

I hadn’t even seen the food arrive, I looked down at my plate and for the life of me couldn’t fathom what I was looking at. Were those snails?

“Boy troubles?”  Maureen asked, who fucking cares what her name is, as long as it starts with an ‘M’.

“It’s nothing” I said as another rogue tear escaped from my left eye. “Waiter, “ I called to the nearest one, “please bring the whole bottle.” I said pointing to my glass

Neither of them knew what to do as they watched me awkwardly try to stifle my tears while attempting to finish a whole bottle of wine in record time. 

“I can’t take this anymore.” I blurted out “I just can’t  be here.” I said as I got up from the table and grabbed my purse and walked away…no love was worth the humiliation. It was raining outside, I was standing carefully at the door trying to make sure I didn’t get wet when Ryan and Marissa rushed out. I was tear free by that time, “I’m sorry I cut our evening short, I’ll make up for it I promise.”

“That’s okay,” she said “I look forward to having dinner with you again.” she continued as Ryan ran under the rain to hail her a cab, how romantic.

When he gave a goodnight kiss and literally shoved her into the cab he walked to me without precursor and said “what the fuck just happened in there?”

I was speechless. 

His voice was a little lighter when he spoke again "It’s not just today, this past couple of weeks you’ve been shutting me out of your life and I demand an explanation. I can’t take knowing that you’re withdrawing from me, that our friendship doesn’t mean as much to you as it does to me, I can’t stand knowing you’re pulling away from me.” Now his voice was like a blanket “I’m sorry I raised my voice, it just scares me that I might be losing you, it scares the fuck outta me…so tell me, Lauren, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, I don’t know, maybe it could be the fact that since you’ve been hanging out with Mabel, you don’t have time for me anymore.” I said

“Maryanne.”

“what?”

“Her name is Maryanne.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“You know what, I don’t care.” I said stepping into the rain and walking away from him.

He ran after me, I shuddered. Not just at the rain dripping through my clothes and making me wet but also at the thought of him following me in the rain. I winced as I realized that the rain was matting my newly made hair but I froze when I felt Ryan’s hand pulling me back.

Not for long, “Let me go” I said as I wiggled free from his grip and walked faster. Word of advice to the ladies, do not attempt to walk fast in heels…… under rain.

“Can you even pretend to want to fill me in on what I have obviously done wrong?”

The moment of reckoning, how do I tell him that I’m still not over a one night stand that happened almost two years ago, or explain my feelings for him that he never reciprocated? Where do I start? 

“It’s not you it’s me.” I said, “I don’t think we can be friends anymore, I’ll send you’re things over from the nights you spent at my place and I’ll expect my things back. Please don’t call me ever again. I know you don’t understand why I’m doing this and chances are you never will, but I want you to know it’s for the best.” I finished, I couldn’t see his face clearly because of the rain but the fact that he stood there immobilized, speechless was a message, had I hurt him? Even if I had, it wasn’t as much as he hurt me. All I could do was walk away.

“I love you.” I heard him scream from behind me I paused mid step and turned around, tears of joy flowed from my eyes but were mingled with the rain against my face.

“What?” I asked astonished.

He jogged up to me, “I love you” he said again, I was about to say it back to him when he decided to finish his sentence “I want to say that phrase to Maryanne, I was going to tell Maryanne today, that I loved her, and ask her to marry me, but you don’t care, do you? I’ve never used those words before, not to my foster parents, not to you, not to anyone, do you even care that she might be wrong for me?” he asked.

You have no idea, I thought to myself.

“I was going to tell Maryanne today, I think she’s my “one”. If I say “I love you”,  what do you think she will say?” he continued when I didn’t answer.

“I love you too” I said, now tears of pain took over, it was only wishful thinking that made me think he was talking about me “she’ll say ‘I love you too’.”

“Don’t leave me Lauren” he sniffed and placed his forehead on mine

“Stop it, stop it for Christ sake.” I cried out “I can’t take it anymore.” I said before dragging him closer and kissing him. He froze for a second before he took over, he kissed me lightly before breaking it off, he searched my face and kissed me strongly this time parting my lips gently, tasting my lips, he kissed me passionately, the kind of kiss that was only imagined, I felt his hand on the small of my back, teasing, he pulled me closer as though he wanted more of me, couldn’t get enough of me, it was the sexiest kiss ever, straight out of a movie scene. Perfect. 

Suddenly, I jerked back to reality, it was the rainy night from two years ago all over again, complete with the rain. I don’t where the urge came from but it took a lot of courage to break free from his lips and slap him. Yes, I slapped him.

“Why are you doing this, kissing me back?” I asked. “Leading me on only to hurt me again, and again, and again?”

“What are you talking about?”

“Oh, I don’t know, let’s see, having sex with me then running away for three months or saying “I love you” only to be practicing to say to it someone else, how can you not tell that I’m in love with you, that I would give everything up to be with you. It hurts, you know.” I cried, my voice shaking as I spoke.

He had nothing to say. What happened to ‘don’t leave me Lauren’ or maybe ‘ I love you too’... how about ‘I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time’ but he had nothing to say.

 “I just can’t do this anymore” I finally said.

Still he had nothing to say. “You suck.” seriously? Was that only thing I could come up with? I thought but nonetheless I still turned on my heels and walked away, hoping the raindrops would drown the sound of my heart breaking.

He didn’t call me back to proclaim his undying love, he didn’t dramatically run after me, and tell me he can’t live without me, nothing, nada, zilch. Instead he let me walk out of his life, just like that.

I cried myself to sleep that night over him…again. The next morning, a box of all the things I’d ever left  at his place was waiting for me at my doorstep when I went to get the paper. He didn’t have the decency to return them personally, the jerk.

But for the life of me I couldn’t fathom why I couldn’t bring myself to hate him, I was only capable to love him more, to rationalize his behavior, I probably scared him off with my declaration of love.  The same thing I saw Jolie do and pitied her for it, now it was my turn. To feel the curse of a bleeding heart, to fully understand the meaning of the phrase ‘lost love’, it was my turn to let go and move on.

 I never returned his things, I held on to them as they were to be the only memories I will have of him for years to come.